rarely talk about it. If you noticed, I haven’t write since three months ago. It
is because I simply didn’t want to make a big deal of my problems, I believed
that everyone deal with problems and it is something very usual.
I didn’t realize that when you bury your problem deep
enough, it will blow to the surface sooner or later. A few days ago up until
yesterday, I was in the lowest point of my entire life. I spent days and nights
thinking about every single wrong thing in my life, after repeatedly having a
bad term in relationship, I felt empty and in pain. I questioned a lot of
things like my self-worth, and why life is not always in line with what I
wanted and why happiness felt out of reach.
The thing is, when you were in pain, or in a state where you’re
hopeless and unstable you try to cope with it one way or another. At one point,
I didn’t feel that crying could satisfy my emotional drain and I harm myself.
If you ever been in the same situation, you would
understand. I didn’t say it was a right thing to do, but at the moment, it is
the only thing I thought I could do to cope. After hours of crying, I brace
myself to talk about it to my friend, and every ounce of me thankful for her
presence and comforts in one of my hardest time.
That night, I spend hours and hours to reevaluate and
reflect back on my-self, my life, and my worth. I try to stop for a while and
take time to feel and see what actually matter to me, and that was love. Cliché,
we talk about love all the time and how it is life-changing. But, sometimes it
took a long time, bad experiences, edge-of-everything moment to actually define
what it is to me.
And I will tell you what love is, for me,
1. For me, love comes in different form.
I remember when my dad picked me up from school every day,
even when he had to wait a long time, so I can speak to my friend after school
and sometimes it’s raining and he got wet. Or when he came to my debate
competition even when he didn’t understand English that much. Dad never said “I
love you,” bluntly but he shows it in different form. He was and he is there all
2. Love should not be transactional; it should and shall
always be unconditional.
I have met and see a lot of people in my life who love unconditionally.
One of them is my Mother. She raised me, with all of its cost and sacrifices, but
she never demands anything for herself. She love and she love. She sincerely
want to see me succeed and find my happiness, even in the amidst of my failure,
our argument, or fights.
3. When someone loves you, you shouldn’t feel “squeezed”
into their life.
I understand, in any kind of ship, be it relationship or
friendship, as the time goes, people grow apart. We have to deal with our own
personal matters, be it college, our side-hustle, our new favorite hobbies and
friends or just anything. I also understand, when we love someone, we need to
understand their boundaries and their times. These last few years, people told
me “You are too much,” “I feel angry every time I look at you,” “I feel you
start to disturb my life,” “I can’t do it with you,” or “I don’t want anything
serious currently,” (and then he dated someone a week after that, well yeah
people change mind) those words make me feel like there’s something wrong with
me, I feel like I have to change my self to fit in with what they want and what
they think as “enough”. It got worst, when I realized that even after I changed
my self, I still won’t fit in. I feel like people only need me when it fits
their time and their intentions. But after that, I felt like a penny in the
rain, left and abandoned. My last “ship” with someone, felt suffocating, it
felt like he “squeezed” me into his tight and packed schedule, love me when he
can, abandoned me when he can’t.
I realized love shouldn’t feel like “squeezed”. Human doesn’t
deserved to be squeezed (you are not squeezy). I feel like when you love
someone, you have to save a space, big enough so they can breathe,
safe enough that when they come in they felt hope, comfort and blessings, a
space reserved where they can lay their heads and felt home and belong. Love,
for me, should feel like this. I want to love and to be loved like this. We are
never too big or too unimportant for someone who truly love us, each one
of us deserved A BIG WHOLE ROOM.
In this article, I want to pour my love for everyone who
sent me a lot of loving and supports these past few days. It is overwhelmingly
beautiful and magical to be surrounded by friends and family, sisters and
brothers like you. Thank you for taking your time to even bother talk to me,
see me and feel me. You got a big whole room in my heart, you always belong