Our first met was unexpected, out of the mundane,
You suddenly appear in the midst of my banalities.
You told me your hopes, how you don't believe in love, how you suck on math, how you hurt your mom's feeling, and how you hate your childhood pictures, said you look like a weird baby.
Don't tell me everything. I didn't have to know you more. I didn't want to know you more.
Next day, you picked me up,
We drive to the city-lights.
Repeating the cheap songs we'd hate but know all the words to.
Singing our hearts to September,
Don't make me feel anything. I didn't have to feel this feeling. I didn't want to feel this feeling.
Friday night, we laid on your couch,
watching the old cartoons,
Never saw you laughing this hard on the stupid jokes Patrick had.
I couldn't help but pinch myself,
Please make this last.
Please tell me everything. I have to know you more. I want to know you more.
I want to feel everything. I want to have this feeling. I have to feel this feeling.
12:15 AM, you texted me
"We're all dying inside, but now it feels like I can hold onto something that at least makes me feel alive. "
I didn't reply.
I never heard anything from you, again.
I play September in my cheap speaker,
wishing you were here to sing the words.
I repeat the old cartoons we used to watch,
hoping it will fill the void, on the emptiness tonight.
I type your name on my phone.
I started to type,
"I love you. I'm sorry I never said it out loud. I'm sorry even when I said it out loud, I know it's not going to be enough.
You're special. You're so fucking special to me. I hope you know it.
I love watching you sing the wrong lyrics, I love watching you laugh, I love how you can drive up so fast, I feel like I'm flying. I love how you make me feel, like for the very first time in my life, I feel something. I feel like I'm enough. I love your baby pictures, you look like a cool baby. I love everything you could possibly hate about yourself. I love you."
I deleted them. Again and over again. I couldn't simply paraphrase the words I want to send.
12:15 AM, I texted you
"I am dying inside, but with you it feels like I can hold onto something that at least makes me feel alive. "
You never reply.